"Sexy and wildly funny!"-- Orangeville Banner

Ron Gabriel, Phi Bulani and Melodee Finlay in the Theatre Orangeville production of Bedtime Stories. 2006

 

  In the following scene, radio disc jockey Eddie Nichols is preparing for a very special broadcast.
   
Eddie: It's ten fifty-five at The Rock, Ninety-Six FM, and you're with Eddie Nighthawk Nichols, broadcasting live from a hotel room somewhere in the city. And tonight the Nighthawk is going to bring you a radio first. In about fifteen minutes from right now, you are going to hear the act of love being broadcast live atop a bed in this very hotel room. That's right. The nasty. The mattress mambo. The bus ride to Bootyville. Live on the air. Now, for those of you just tuning in, here's the skinny. We offered up five thousand dollars to the first couple who would agree to play some doubles on the grass court tonight, and that couple is in an adjoining room all set to go. They're prepped, they're primed and they are pumped. So, we're going to break away right now for news, sports, weather, editorial commentary, several commercial messages and an uplifting radio minute with the Reverend Wally Sandusky. But stayed tuned, because as soon as the Reverend shouts 'Amen', there's gonna be some heavenly testifyin' goin' on right here. (Eddie talks to his operator back at the radio station by pressing a button on a mixer on the desk.) Little Jim, are you there?.....How'd that sound?.....It's gonna put me on the map, buddy. Gonna get me out of this dump and into a morning show in a major market…..All right, so I'll be back to you at about ten after….What?....Of course I'll take you with me. I can't make radio magic without my favourite operator, can I? Huh? Okay. (He flicks off the switch. Then to himself.) Fat chance, Jimbo. (He moves up the bathroom door and knocks.) Mr. and Mrs. Ballantyne?.....Hello?.....Are you almost ready, folks? We've got about thirteen minutes to showtime. Let's shake it, huh?
  (Eddie moves away from the door. Lou and Betsy Ballantyne enter from the bathroom. Lou is wearing pajamas and slippers, and Betsy is wearing a red housecoat and slippers. Lou and Betsy are in their fifties.)
Betsy: Here we are.
(Eddie turns and sees them.)
Eddie: Oh my God.
Betsy: What's the matter?
Eddie: What is this?
Lou:

What's wrong?

Eddie: What is this?
Betsy: What? Is it too provocative?
Lou: I told you not to wear the red. Red is very sexual.
Betsy: Well, my blue one is at the cleaners.
Lou: It's terrycloth. Who sends terrycloth to the cleaners?
Betsy: It's too big for our washer. I told you we needed a bigger washer but you didn't want to spend the money.
Lou: The washer we have now is fine.
Betsy: Then don't complain about sending terrycloth to the cleaners.
Eddie: People! Hello! This…this is not the look I was hoping for.
Betsy: Well, my blue one is at..
Eddie: Yes, I know where your blue one is. No, what I was hoping for was something a little sexier.
Lou: Sexier? I think she looks pretty damned hot.
Betsy: Thank you, Lou.
Eddie: What do you have on underneath that, Mrs. Ballantyne?
Betsy: Oh, please, call me Betsy.
Eddie: Fine. Betsy. What do you have on?
Betsy: My nightie.
Eddie: Uh-huh. Could I see it?
Lou: Now, hold on just a minute there.
Eddie: Sir, tonight's show is all about the sex act. I know it's radio and we could fake it..
Betsy: Oh no I never do that.
Lou: Thank you, Betsy.
Eddie: The look. We could fake the look! But it would help me with my commentary if I had something to work with.
Betsy: Commentary?
Eddie: Yes.
Betsy: What commentary?
Eddie: I'm going to be describing everything you do. You know, for the listeners.
Lou: Everything?
Eddie: Yes.
Betsy: Oh my.
Eddie: Well, it's radio. They can't see you so I have to describe it.
Betsy: Uh-huh. Lou, you won't be getting anything special tonight.
Eddie: So, could I see the nightie?
Betsy: Well…all right.
(Betsy opens her housecoat to reveal a mid-length nightie.)
Eddie: Hmm-hmm. All right I suppose I can work with that. I'll describe it shorter, sheerer and then gone altogether. Will you be ripping that off her, Lou?
Lou: Ripping it? Uh…well..
Betsy: Actually, it lifts. There's no need for ripping I don't think.
Lou: No, I don't think so. I could work with lifting it.
Betsy: Besides, I bought it especially for this night and it would be a shame to see it used only once.
Lou: Well, you have to get some use out of it.
Betsy: I think you do.
Lou: Otherwise you've wasted the money.
Betsy: Exactly.
copyright 2006 Norm Foster