"The laughter was immediate, uncontrollable, constant and helpless." --Guelph Daily Mercury

 
Theatre New Brunswick production of The Foursome. L. to R. Robert Clarke, Robert Kennedy, Neil Foster, Samuel Owen. 1999. Photo by Rob Blanchard.


 

Rick, Ted, Donnie, and Cameron are home for their fifteenth college reunion. During the weekend, the men go out for a game of golf, and it is during this game that the four get caught up on each other's lives since their college days. The play is set on the eighteen tees of The Windemere Golf and Country Club. Of course, real golf balls are not used. All golf shots are mimed.

 

The Sixth Tee
 
(Ted and Cameron enter. Cameron is marking the scorecard. Rick and Donnie enter behind them.)
DONNIE: And then this year, Lizzie had to get braces, poor kid. That's very traumatic for a girl that age. I mean, appearance means so much to them. And when I say braces, I mean braces. Her little face looks like a catcher's mask.
CAMERON: This is another par five, fellas. Four hundred and seventy yards.
RICK: Okay, Donnie. Have at 'er.
DONNIE: All right. (Donnie tees up his ball.)
RICK: So, what kind of money are you making with this computer business, Ted?
TED: Oh, I'm doing all right.
RICK: So, what, six figures? Couple a hundred grand. What?
TED: Well, Rick, I'd rather keep that to myself.
RICK: Hey, I understand. I didn't mean to get personal.
(Donnie hits his ball. They all watch as it sails left.)
DONNIE: Shit.
RICK: (He moves up and tees his ball.) Do you ever invest any of your money?
TED: Yeah. I've got someone who handles all that for me.
RICK: Good. Good. You know, I've got something on the go down south that you might want to sink some dollars into.
CAMERON: Sink being the operative word.
RICK: No, I'm serious.
TED: I wondered when this was going to happen.
RICK: What?
TED: What do you mean, what?
CAMERON: A scheme, Rick. You schemed your way all through university. I guess some things never change, huh?
RICK: I schemed?
TED: You schemed.
RICK: It wasn't scheming. It was paying my way.
DONNIE: Yeah, like the time you told the football team that you were only going to charge them half price to get into the homecoming dance.
RICK: So what? They were happy to get in for half price.
DONNIE: The dance was free, Rick.
RICK: Yeah, well, this isn't a scheme. It's a business opportunity. And I'm telling you right now, a person looking to take a chance with say, five or six grand could come away with some serious cash on this one.
TED: All right, what is it?
RICK: Oh, just a little venture I'm trying to get going on the side.
(Rick hits his ball.)
CAMERON: Nice one.
DONNIE: Man, I hate this game.
RICK: So, what do you think, Ted? Interested?
TED: I'm afraid I'm going to need more information, Rick.
(Ted tees up his ball.)
RICK: Well, it has to do with the Brazilian Pepper Tree.
TED: The what?
RICK: Brazilian Pepper Tree. It's this tree with these berries on it and when birds eat the berries, they get high.
CAMERON: High? You mean like in doped?
RICK: Yeah. And these trees are in big demand down in Florida, because when the birds get high, they start to sing more. So, people are buying these trees and planting them in their back yards so they can get the birds to sing.
(Ted hits his ball.)
DONNIE: Ooh, that's out there.
CAMERON: Nice shot.
(Cameron tees up his ball.)
RICK: So, anyway, I've got this friend who's willing to make a couple of trips to Brazil every month and bring back a whack of these trees on his boat. Then we sell them on the street for about fifty bucks a pop.
CAMERON: Is this legal?
RICK: Well, that's kind of a grey area right now.
(Cameron hits his ball.)
TED: All right, let me see if I've got this straight. You're smuggling drugs for birds?
RICK: Well, not exactly.
TED: Well, you said it gets them high, and it's not really legal. So, you're a bird drug dealer.
RICK: No, that's not what it's about...
DONNIE: Do birds get hooked on this stuff?
RICK: What do you mean, hooked? They're birds!
DONNIE: So, birds can get hooked. They have a metabolism like any other living thing.
CAMERON: You don't sell this stuff to young birds, do you?
RICK: They're trees! I sell them to people!
DONNIE: You know, you can even get drugs in Pastor Falls. I can't believe how far-reaching the drug problem is.
RICK: These aren't drugs. They're berries.
TED: Yeah, but they could lead to the harder stuff. Next thing you know you've got little bird crack houses all over the place.
RICK: Okay, forget it. Just forget I even mentioned the opportunity of a lifetime.
CAMERON: I hear that drugs are the leading cause of crime in North America.
DONNIE: Yeah, did you ever think about that, Rick?
RICK: They're birds for chrissake! What're they gonna do? Knock over a Seven Eleven? Jesus!

(They exit.)

   
  Copyright 1998 Norm Foster