"Touching and funny. A show you won't soon forget." -- Beat Magazine
From left, Julia Webb, Rachel Jones and John Turner star in The Great Kooshog Lake Hollis McCauley Fishing Derby at the London Convention Centre Theatre. 2013
 

 

  In the opening scene, Investment banker James Bell happens upon Sienna's Grocery in the sleepy town of Kooshog Lake.
   
James: Hello.
Sienna: Oh. Good morning, stranger. Welcome to Sienna's Grocery.
James: Hmm? (He sees the sign) Oh. Sienna's Grocery, right.
Sienna: You look a little peaked.
James: Well, it's a hot day and I just walked a mile or so.
Sienna: You can get you a cool refreshing beverage inside.
James: Thank you. I will. (He points to the sign.) Are you Sienna?
Sienna: No. Sienna died twenty years ago. Boating accident.
James: Oh.
Sienna: Ninety-seven years old. She was in her boat and had a heart attack right out front of the dock down there. (She points downstage R.)
James: And what, the boat crashed?
Sienna: No. Why would you think that?
James: Well, boating accident. I assumed that she lost control of the boat because of the heart attack.
Sienna: No, she wasn't driving. Don't be crazy. She was ninety-seven. Elvis Pearly was driving. He was taking Sienna across the lake to visit her great granddaughter Melanie but about two hundred yards out Sienna had a heart attack and slumped over right there in the boat, so Pearly turned around and brought her back, dead.
James: And you call that a boating accident?
Sienna: Well, what would you call it?
James: Right. Anyway, my name is James Bell and I was..
  .(Rhonda Borkowski enters from the store.)
Rhonda: Sienna, we're out of canned peas.
Sienna: All right, Rhonda, I'll order some.
  (Rhonda gives James a sexy look and exits to the store.)
James: I thought you weren't Sienna.
Sienna: I'm not. Not that one. (She points to the sign.) You asked me if I was that one.
James: So are you a relative? Were you named after that Sienna?
Sienna: Nope. Never knew her. I was living over in Sawgrill, and when I heard the bank was sellin' this place off I jumped at it.
James: Because your name is Sienna?
Sienna: What's that got to do with it?
James: Well, I thought you might have bought the place because it's called Sienna's Grocery.
Sienna: Well, that's not a very sound reason for an investment now is it? Would you buy a phone company because your name is Bell?
James: No.
Sienna: No. In fact, I wanted to change the name to Kooshog Konvenience with two Ks.
James: Why didn't you?
Sienna: Because I already had that stupid sign. So, what can I help you with this morning?
  (Rhonda enters from the store)
Rhonda: Sienna, we're out of chicken stock.
Sienna: All right, I'll order some.
  (Rhonda gives James a sexy look and exits to the store.)
Sienna: So, you were saying?
James: Uh, my car broke down about a mile up the road and I'm going to need someone to tow it into town and have a look at it for me. Is there anyone around here who could do that?
Sienna: There sure is. Kirk Douglas.
James: Kirk Douglas?
Sienna: That's right.
James: Kirk Douglas?
Sienna: What's wrong?
James: Nothing. It's just..you know...Kirk Douglas?
Sienna: You've heard of him?
James: Well, yes.
Sienna: Oh, right. Because of the fishing derby. Yeah, I guess his name is known far and wide because of that. Anyway, Kirk owns the bait and tackle shop just up the street, but he knows more about cars than anybody else in town and if he can't fix it, it can't be fixed. Guaranteed.
James: Great. Well, maybe I'll just walk up and see Kirk Douglas then.
Sienna: No, he won't be there right now.
James: No?
Sienna: No, this is derby weekend and Kirk's organizing things at the town dock.
James: And where's that?
Sienna: That's it right there.
James: Oh. The same dock where Sienna died.
Sienna: That's right. It's also known as Sienna's Death Dock.
James: Really?
Sienna: No. There's Kirk there. Wave to him. He's watching us.
  (James and Sienna wave.)
James: He doesn't know who I am.
Sienna: No, but he'll come up and find out.
  (Rhonda enters from the store.)
Rhonda: Sienna, we're out of cottage cheese.
Sienna: Rhonda, why do you keep telling me what we're out of? You don't even work here.
Rhonda: I wanted to get a look at the new guy. (To James.) Hi. Rhonda Borkowski. At your service. (She holds out her hand.)
James: James Bell.
Rhonda: Oh, how erotic.
Sienna: Is there anything else we can do for you, Rhonda? This man and I have some business to take care of.
Rhonda: (to James) I've got some business you can take care of.
Sienna: Rhonda, the man's car broke down and he needs a tow.
Rhonda: I can give you a tow. In fact, I can give you whole foot.
Sienna: Rhonda, stop it. This gentleman's got a big predicament.
  (There is a pause as Rhonda and James stare at each other.)
James: Go ahead.
Rhonda: I like a big predicament.
copyright 2013 Norm Foster