"Sharp, snappy and irresistibly funny." --Contra Costa Times

 

Leisa Way and David Nairn in the Bluewater Summer Playhouse production of The Love List. 2005


The Love List is a comedy that warns you to be careful what you wish for. Two men concoct a list of the attributes of the ideal woman - the "top ten" best qualities in a mate. When this allegedly 'Ideal Woman' actually arrives on the scene the men quickly learn that their list could use a few revisions. In the following scene, Leon has convinced Bill to fill out a list from a mate-finding service, even though Bill has no intention of going on a date with whoever the service finds for him.

 
BILL: So, I have to write down the ten qualities that I am looking for in a woman.
LEON: Thatís right. In order of importance.
BILL:

I donít know if I can come up with ten qualities.

LEON: Donít worry. Iíll help you.
BILL: How do you know what Iím looking for?
LEON: Bill, Iíve known you for twenty-five years. Our desks were side by side at the newspaper for ten of those years. I know exactly what youíre looking for. Besides, Iím a writer. I study the human condition. I can pull ten important qualities out of my head just like that.
BILL: All right. (Looks at the list.) Number one.
LEON: Oral Sex.
BILL: What?
LEON: Oral sex.
BILL: Oral sex?
LEON: Very important. You want a woman who is comfortable in that arena.
BILL: Thatís number one?
LEON: Definitely.
BILL: Not strength of character perhaps? Kindness? Intelligence?
LEON: Bill, have you ever had incredibly good oral sex?
BILL: I didnít know it could be bad.
LEON: Just put it down.
BILL: No, Iím not putting that down. And especially not at number one. Iíll just put down good lover. Thatís all encompassing.
LEON: No, no, no. Believe me, when it comes to sex you have to specify. You have to put down exactly what you want. You donít want any confusion on this point. Now, put it down.
BILL: All right, but Iím putting it at number ten.
LEON: Ten?
BILL: Ten.
LEON: Youíre putting nine things ahead of it?
BILL: .......All right, number four.
LEON: And you should probably write down, Ďwithout having to ask for ití. Itís so humiliating when you have to ask for it.
BILL: But, by writing it down, arenít I, in fact, asking for it?
LEON: Yes you are. Yes. But, this way youíre asking for it in a lump sum right up front. Youíre not asking for it every time you want it.
BILL: I think what we have here is enough. Now, what else do I look for in a woman?
LEON: She has to be gorgeous.
BILL: Oh, no. I am not writing down anything about appearance. Thatís superficial and demeaning.
LEON: You donít want an attractive woman?
BILL: I didnít say that. I would love an attractive woman, but look at me. What right do I have to ask for an attractive woman?
LEON: You donít think youíre an attractive man?
BILL: No, I donít.
LEON: I think youíre an attractive man.
BILL: You what?
LEON: I think youíre very attractive.
BILL: You do?
LEON: Absolutely.
BILL: No, youíre just saying that.
LEON: No, I mean it.
BILL: Cut it out.
LEON: Really.
BILL: Stop.
LEON: I canít believe you donít think youíre attractive.
BILL: Well, I donít, so I am not asking for an attractive woman.
LEON: All right, fine. But, you donít want an unattractive one, right?
BILL: It doesnít matter to me one way or the other. A personís beauty is not found in their face anyway. Itís found in their soul.
LEON: (Begins to laugh.) Thatís good. Soul.
   
  Copyright 2003 Norm Foster

 

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